An original TeaLamp explainer based on the sources listed below. Prepared by the TeaLamp Editorial Team with the help of AI.
Talking to strangers is something most of us were taught to avoid, and as adults we often keep avoiding it out of habit. We put on headphones, look at our phones and wait in silence. Yet a growing body of psychology research points the other way: a short, friendly chat with someone we do not know tends to feel better than we expect, for both people. Here is what the studies actually found, why our instincts get it wrong, and how to start a conversation without feeling awkward.
Key takeaways on talking to strangers
- In field experiments, commuters who chatted with a stranger reported a more pleasant journey than those told to sit quietly, even though they had predicted the opposite.
- After a first conversation, people usually underestimate how much the other person liked them. Researchers call this the “liking gap”.
- Deeper conversations with strangers feel less awkward and more rewarding than people expect.
- Brief, friendly moments with “weak ties”, such as a barista or a neighbour, are linked to a stronger sense of belonging.
- Like most skills, it gets easier with practice, and the fear of rejection shrinks once people actually try.
The train experiment that surprised its own subjects
In 2014, the behavioural scientists Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder ran a simple test on commuters near Chicago. At a suburban train station, volunteers were randomly asked to do one of three things on their ride into the city: strike up a conversation with a stranger, keep to themselves, or travel as they normally would. At the end of the journey, they rated how pleasant it had been.
The people who talked to a stranger reported the most positive commute of the three groups, and they did not feel any less productive. The twist came from a separate group of commuters who were only asked to imagine the same three options. They predicted the reverse: talking would be the least pleasant and least productive choice. The researchers found a similar pattern on city buses and in a waiting room. In short, people were not choosing solitude because it made them happier. They were choosing it because they wrongly expected conversation to go badly.
A shared wait at a bus stop is one of the easiest places to start a chat. Image generated by AI.
Why our instincts get it wrong: the liking gap
If chatting feels good, why do we avoid it? One reason is that we are poor judges of how we come across. In a set of studies published in 2018, Erica Boothby, Gus Cooney, Gillian Sandstrom and Margaret Clark paired strangers for short conversations and then asked each person two questions: how much did you like your partner, and how much do you think your partner liked you?
On average, people liked their partner more than they believed their partner liked them. Both cannot be true at once, so the gap points to a systematic error. Video recordings showed that the signs of interest were there to see, but people were too busy replaying their own small mistakes to notice them. The pattern held in conversations of different lengths, in a workshop for members of the public, and among first-year university students getting to know their dorm mates over several months. The researchers summed it up simply: after a conversation, we are liked more than we know.
Small talk or deep talk?
Many people say they dislike small talk, but they also fear that anything more personal would be too much with a stranger. A 2022 paper by Michael Kardas, Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley tested this across 12 experiments with more than 1,800 participants. Pairs of mostly unacquainted people discussed either light questions, such as a favourite recent TV show, or deeper ones, such as a time they had cried in front of someone.
Both kinds of conversation felt less awkward and created more connection than people predicted. The gap was biggest for the deeper topics: participants overestimated how awkward they would be far more than they did for small talk. When people had both kinds of conversation, they often expected to prefer the light one but ended up preferring the deep one. The main reason for the misjudgement was that people underestimated how interested a stranger would be in hearing about their life.
That does not mean small talk is useless. A comment about the weather or the long queue is often the doorway to something more interesting. The lesson is that we can usually walk a little further through that door than we think.
A few friendly words with a barista can lift the mood of both people. Image generated by AI.
The barista effect: why weak ties matter
Not every helpful conversation is long. The psychologists Gillian Sandstrom and Elizabeth Dunn asked customers at a busy coffee shop to either get in and out as efficiently as possible or to have a genuine, friendly exchange with the barista: a smile, some eye contact, a few words. The friendly group left in a better mood and reported a stronger sense of belonging, even though the chat lasted only moments.
In related work, Sandstrom and Dunn followed people’s everyday interactions and found that on days when people spoke with more “weak ties”, the acquaintances and familiar faces at the edges of our social lives, they tended to feel happier and more connected. Close friends and family matter most, but these small, light contacts seem to add a layer of warmth to ordinary days.
Practice makes it easier
The fear of being rejected is one of the biggest barriers. In a 2022 study, Sandstrom, Boothby and Cooney turned conversation into a week-long scavenger hunt. Some participants were given daily missions to talk to strangers who fitted a description, such as someone wearing a hat. A comparison group only had to observe such people.
By the end of the week, the people who had actually talked to strangers expected far fewer rejections, felt more confident in their conversation skills and felt less awkward. Those changes were still there a week after the game ended. The observers showed no such shift. Their expectations stayed as gloomy as the talkers’ had been at the start.
A friendly dog or a shared view is a natural conversation starter. Image generated by AI.
How to start talking to strangers, gently
The research does not ask anyone to become the life of the party. It suggests small, low-pressure steps:
- Start with what you share. A late train, a beautiful dog, a long queue or a good smell from a bakery gives you an easy, natural opening.
- Ask a real question, then listen. Curiosity about the other person keeps a chat going far better than trying to sound clever.
- Go one step deeper than usual. If the conversation flows, ask what someone enjoys about their work or what they are looking forward to.
- Read the signals and respect them. Headphones, short answers or a turned shoulder usually mean “not now”, and that is fine. A polite exit is part of good conversation.
- Remember the liking gap. If you walk away thinking it went badly, the other person probably enjoyed it more than you assume.
Common sense still applies. Choose public, comfortable settings, and trust your instincts about safety. The aim is warmth, not pressure.
Why it matters
Loneliness is not a small problem. In 2025, the World Health Organization’s Commission on Social Connection reported that about one in six people worldwide experienced loneliness between 2014 and 2023, and it linked loneliness to an estimated 871,000 deaths a year. A chat with a stranger will not solve that on its own. But the research suggests that many of us hold back from easy, pleasant connection because of a simple forecasting error. Correcting that error costs nothing, takes a minute, and often brightens two people’s days at once.
Related reading
For more on what makes a conversation work, read our guide to the quiet power of a good question. And if you want to turn that skill on the people closest to you, try our tips on how to interview your grandparents.
Frequently asked questions
Does talking to strangers help introverts too?
The studies above recruited ordinary members of the public rather than only outgoing people, and the general pattern held: conversations went better than people expected. Introverts may prefer shorter or quieter chats, and that is perfectly fine. Even a brief, friendly exchange counts.
What if the other person does not want to talk?
That happens, and it is rarely personal. People can be tired, busy or simply enjoying their own thoughts. In the scavenger-hunt study, rejections were less common than participants feared. Keep openings light so it is easy for either person to step away politely.
Sources
- Mistakenly seeking solitude, by Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder (Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 2014)
- The liking gap in conversations: do people like us more than we think? (Psychological Science, 2018)
- Getting beyond small talk: people enjoy deep conversations with strangers (American Psychological Association, on Kardas, Kumar and Epley, 2022)
- Is efficiency overrated? Minimal social interactions lead to belonging and positive affect (Social Psychological and Personality Science, 2014)
- Social interactions and well-being: the surprising power of weak ties (Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2014)
- Talking to strangers: a week-long intervention reduces psychological barriers to social connection (Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 2022)
- Social connection linked to improved health and reduced risk of early death (World Health Organization, 2025)
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