An original TeaLamp explainer based on the sources listed below. Prepared by the TeaLamp Editorial Team with the help of AI.
Most of us want to be good company, and most of us try to do it by saying interesting things. Research on conversation suggests we have it backwards. Asking good questions, and then really listening to the answers, does more for a conversation than any clever remark. It helps us learn, it builds trust, and it leaves the other person feeling heard.
Key takeaways on asking good questions
- People who ask more questions tend to be better liked, and they learn more about the person they are talking to.
- Follow-up questions matter most, because they show you were listening and invite the other person to go deeper.
- Open questions suit relaxed, cooperative talks, while closed questions can work better when details matter.
- Listening is half of the skill: a question asked and then ignored helps nobody.
Why we ask too few questions
Harvard researchers Alison Wood Brooks and Leslie K. John studied thousands of conversations, from online chats to speed dates, and reached a plain conclusion: people do not ask enough questions. In one set of studies, some people were asked to ask many questions, at least nine in fifteen minutes, while others were asked to ask very few, no more than four. The people who asked many questions were better liked by their conversation partners, and they learned more about their partners’ interests.
So why do we hold back? Brooks and John found that people worry about seeming rude or uninformed, or they believe they already have the answers they need. Yet one of the most common complaints people make after a conversation, whether a job interview, a first date or a work meeting, is that the other person did not ask them enough questions. We fear asking, and then we are disappointed when nobody asks us.
The lesson is simple and a little uncomfortable. If you want someone to enjoy talking with you, curiosity beats performance. A genuine question says that the other person’s thoughts are worth your attention.
Follow-up questions do the heavy lifting
Not all questions are equal. Brooks calls follow-up questions the superheroes of conversation. A follow-up stays on the subject the other person has just raised and probes a little deeper, instead of jumping to a new topic or turning the talk back to yourself. It might be as small as asking what happened next, or what a moment felt like, or why a choice mattered.
Follow-ups work because they prove you were listening. They also keep a conversation moving without forcing it. The speaker gets to decide how far to go, and the talk grows naturally out of what has already been said.
A notebook and a cup of tea, ready for a conversation. Image generated by AI.
By contrast, mirror questions, where you simply return a question that was just asked of you, tend to fall flat. They can feel like politeness rather than curiosity. A follow-up, on the other hand, is hard to fake: it has to come from something you actually heard.
Open or closed? It depends
We are often told that open questions, the ones that cannot be answered with yes or no, are always best. Brooks and John add a useful distinction. In relaxed, cooperative conversations, open questions do work best, because they give the other person room to choose how to answer. But when a conversation is more competitive, or when precise details matter, a closed question can be the smarter tool.
Brooks gives the example of buying a used music player. Asking for the whole history of the device may sound open and friendly, but asking directly whether it has ever been damaged gets you the fact you actually need. The right question depends on what the moment calls for: room to wander, or a clear answer.
A good interviewer, in other words, does not follow one rule. She reads the room, and she picks the question that fits the purpose of the talk.
A quiet library reading room. Image generated by AI.
Listening is half of the question
A question is only the first half of the exchange. What happens next matters just as much. Communication researchers have tested this in the laboratory. In a 2014 study, 115 participants talked with trained actors who responded in different ways: with active listening, with simple acknowledgements, or with advice. The participants who received active listening felt more understood and were more satisfied with the conversation than those who received advice or a simple nod.
An earlier study from the same research group adds a nuance worth remembering. When listeners paraphrased what the speaker had said, they came across as more socially attractive, but the speakers did not necessarily feel more understood. Repeating words back is not the same as understanding them. Real listening shows in what you ask next, not in echoing what was just said.
That is why the pause after a question matters. Silence can feel awkward, but it is often just the other person thinking. If you rush to fill it, you take the answer away from them.
The StoryCorps lesson
Nobody has put this idea into practice on a bigger scale than StoryCorps. Founded in 2003, the American nonprofit helps ordinary people record conversations about their lives, usually between two people who already know and care about each other. Participants bring their own questions, and with their permission the recordings are archived at the American Folklife Center at the Library of Congress.
StoryCorps says it has now helped more than 700,000 people have meaningful conversations, making its archive the largest single collection of human voices ever gathered. The interviews are not polished performances. They are grandparents and grandchildren, friends and neighbours, asking each other about work, war, love, loss and small everyday joys. Their power comes from the simplest formula in this article: one person asks, and the other person is truly heard.
You do not need a recording booth to borrow that formula. The next time someone you care about tells you a story, try asking one more question before you change the subject. Then wait, and listen to the whole answer.
How to practise this week
Start small. In your next conversation, set yourself one rule: ask at least one follow-up question before moving on. When someone mentions a trip, ask what surprised them about it. When a colleague mentions a hard week, ask what part was hardest. When a friend mentions a decision, ask what tipped the balance.
Try closing a longer talk with a question of your own: what should I have asked you that I did not ask? Interviewers use it because it hands the speaker the floor one last time, and the answers are often the most interesting part of the whole conversation.
Finally, notice your own habits. Do you ask questions you already know the answer to, just to make a point? Do you answer your own questions before the other person can speak? Do you turn every answer into a story about yourself? A little honesty here goes a long way.
Why it matters
Good questions are a small kindness with a large effect. They cost nothing, they need no talent, and they work in every kind of conversation: at home, at work, with strangers and with old friends. They turn small talk into something real, and they turn interviews, formal or informal, into exchanges where both people leave knowing more than they did before.
We spend a lot of effort learning what to say. The research suggests we would do better to learn what to ask, and then to listen properly to the reply.
Related reading
For another story about listening closely, read Chris Hadfield: What an Astronaut’s Interviews Teach Us.
Frequently asked questions
What makes a good follow-up question?
A good follow-up grows out of something the other person has just said. It asks for more detail, a feeling, or a reason, rather than changing the subject. Short and simple usually works best.
How many questions are too many?
There is no magic number, but the research points in one direction: most people ask too few, not too many. Watch the other person’s comfort. If answers get shorter and less open, ease off and share something of your own.
What if I do not know what to ask?
Start with what you just heard. Repeat the most interesting part of the answer back to yourself, silently, and ask about that. “What was that like?” and “What happened next?” are honest questions, and they almost always work.
Sources
- The Counterintuitive Tricks to Asking Better Questions, According to Harvard Research (Government Executive, summarising Brooks and John, Harvard Business Review)
- About StoryCorps (StoryCorps)
- Active Listening (The Decision Lab, summarising Weger and colleagues, International Journal of Listening)
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